Things I have done and said over the years have undoubtedly effected many, for better or worse. Some may have been wondering about my recent notes on being geared towards a life of nirjana-bhajana.

The following is a letter I wrote two weeks back to a dear friend in response to something he wrote me. I thought of sharing it with everyone with hopes that it'd help others better understand who I am and where I'm coming from, and with that look at me with a sense of understanding, offering me the benefit of doubt if nothing else in meeting what may seem like my darker sides, which are many without a doubt. The following makes up a substantial aspect of my present direction, even if there are a good number of other factors weighing in.

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Thank you so much for your honest, candid and insightful letter. You are right on the mark with what you've written. Even if we're looking at issues I have been aware of to an extent, hearing it put in someone else's words is always of benefit and contributes to attaining clarity in introspection. Of course I am taking your notes as intended – your meaning is good and your heart is untainted with ill feeling, and it's all very tactfully presented as well.

In a way, my heart has died to the world. Not as a result of my devotional sadhana, nor as something I would be proud of. Studying myself, I reason it is the bad fruit of jnana and vairagya haunting me from a past life, for this trait has been there since from as far into my childhood as I can remember. Where others have cried and lamented over tragedy and death, I have felt indifference. Such is my fate. I am burdened with a great deal of emotional indifference and cold intelligence.

While this nature of mine is an asset in terms of being able to withdraw and to immerse in sadhana, it goes without saying that it is a great strain as far as dealing with people is concerned. While many would intuitively hit the right key with their emphatic capacity in a difficult situation, I am left with input data to be examined, reasoning for a choice for an appropriate response. Needless to say, with very limited experience, as in the pool of data to be used as a base, the odds for its going right are on the slimmer side. Yes, and then emotions rarely bundle with logical projections. That too.

Picking the word "experience" from the previous paragraph. As you aptly put it, "You seem to lack that subtle understanding of interpersonal politicking, that delicate bob and weave we do on a daily basis." The thing is, I have never been bobbing and weaving any of that. I am a hermit by nature. My connection with the world "out there" effectively ended at the tender age of 15 when I picked up a mala and opted for a life of a brahmacari. Even after meeting Malati in the end, I never found myself in social situations intimate enough to be able to gain substantial insight into all of this. Then, in essence, it's not my world. It's a world I find confusing in all of its intricate complexities, and it's a world I've opted out of since very early in my life.

The parable of the scorpion and the beaver is a good pick for the situation, even if drawing a parallel with a scorpion's nature isn't flattering – I understand it wasn't implied in your pick of parable. Changing the base traits of one's nature is a challenge indeed. The tiger and its stripes, they say. It is only recently that all of this has become more vivid in my horizon, slapped me on the face if you will.

Now, of course all things of present are the fruit of past cultivation, and our future is ours to be molded. I can hardly fathom the kind of cultivation one would need to repair a problem of this caliber. Particularly in my current situation in life, a situation where I am naturally more and more geared towards solitude and silent immersion, such a task is a virtual impossibility. I suppose it is a personal asset I will have to learn to live without, and adjust to the same by staying aloof from situations where it might lead to others being hurt. This is one of the factors at the heart of my earlier notes on being geared towards nirjana.

Please don't take what I write as a confession of having no emotions. I am, after all, following a path that has to do with the cultivation of a body of divine emotions. A path of which a central feature is the derivative awakening and assimilation of perfected emotions, drawing inspiration from the vast base of emotional expression found in the heritage of the mahajanas, the heart-rending poems of Thakur Mahasaya being nothing short of a perfect illustration. This is, however, a hidden world, and a concealed one as well.

Without a doubt, it is not something that'd be particularly helpful in contributing to a more intimate understanding of the world of troubles, as radically diverging as the driving forces and the core dynamics of the two are. The outer expressions of the inner world of devotion, the flow of emotions such as compassion and concern over the tender, new bhajana of budding sadhakas, are evidently something that have a potential for causing a great deal of schism as the two worlds interface. When a powerful spiritual impetus interacts with the delicate emotional webs of the world, joint with the unforeseeable sum-total of vasanas seated deep in peoples' hearts, even a man of great human insight may find himself baffled.

That the bulk of my interactions with devotees have taken place in written form certainly has offered little in the way of a positive contribution in any of this. If anything, the limits of the medium have escalated some things beyond reason. Molehills have grown into mountains, misunderstandings have been nourished by misunderstandings, all of it developing into a horrid web of expressed and latent ill feelings that were never meant to be. I wish many things I have knowingly or unknowingly done and caused could be undone, yet I fear they cannot.

Then, as life cannot roll backwards but inevitably moves on, I ought to be wrapping this letter towards a practical conclusion. As I noted in an earlier letter, I intend to be winding up my community participation, withdrawing into solitary bhajana. The exact meaning of all of that is something I cannot define at this point, and I assume it is something you and some others may also want to put in a word on to ensure that things of substantial value are not lost in the transition. Whatever the specifics, I believe it is a call that is in the best interest of all.

What more to say? I do not know. Please know that your kind comments were and will be much appreciated and valued. Looking forward hearing from you again.