My forced holiday from online presence and in general computer related work keeps extending. Since the last blog entry, the electric cables have fallen of the pole on two occasions, and repairs have resulted in erratic voltages forcing me to unplug ourselves altogether from the main line until it gets fixed so as to not fry any further equipment. (I seem to have also lost a battery charger and a cell phone charger.) I did get a voltage stabilizer, but it won't handle incoming current way over 300 volts.

Yesterday Bul Bul, our friendly neighbor who got his own electricity fixed to a normal level through establishing a second neutral phase, offered to have us connected to his line. We did enjoy electricity and still would, were I not sitting under a tree in Vrindavan on the yard of Brij Healthcare once again. (The walls are too thick to give connectivity indoors.) We came in for a routine check yesterday morning over Malati's persistent fevers, and the doctor recommended her to stay in for a day or two. With me accompanying, of course — and so I had wished I'd never ever have to sleep again in that five feet bed...

Yes. everything is completely late and it annoys me as much as everyone else effected. In terms of anything practical getting accomplished, the only good bit of news is that a friend has helped us out by lending us enough funds to complete the first phase of our construction including the basement for the hot season. I'll be posting photos whenever I get to a situation where that's feasible.

My last blog entry from a week back featured the fused laptop adapter after the erratic electricity following the thunderstorm. I got the adapter fixed in a matter of a day at Apex Computers, Raman Reti. However, electricity wouldn't tone down — seven houses in the neighborhood got switched to double phase that resulted in periodic surges of around 400 volts of electricity.

We lost four bulbs and our neighbors six in the process, and one of them ended exploding all over Malati's room in a bright flash of light. God thank, that is now fixed as Bul Bul and the electrician managed to get hold of the people in charge of turning the current off at Govardhana. Needless to say, I have a mighty subsequent backlog of things, as if the pile weren't large enough as it was.

Monday morning featured a solar eclipse. As on Gaura-purnima, I ended up doing a night parikrama around Govardhana with Sanatana Baba. We started from Radha-kunda at 11 PM, took some rest on a wooden bench at Puchari on the way and returned to Radha-kunda at 6 AM.

As the sutaka began from 6:29 PM on the previous evening, the actual eclipse began at 6:29 AM. Concluding it was pointless to return to our house — 15 minutes one way — to go and get my bathing gear, I ended up sitting at Radha-kunda's bank until 8 AM, waiting for the grahana to end, a peaceful two hours of japa concluded with kunda-snana in the clothes I had worn for the day.

Gauranga Dasji will be here for five more full days. We have much enjoyed our pilgrimages and our time together. He is working on a stylesheet to standardize, once and for all, the style of language for our future publications. I will need to draft together some layout guidelines to ensure that both language and visual presentation stay coherent throughout. I won't expect that to be completed before his return to the West. Good things come with time.

Last night I woke up to a small blast sound accompanied with a flash on my desk, about a meter off where I was sleeping. We had had thunderstorms the last two nights, and electricity had been erratic. I rushed to turn on the light and to unplug all electric cables, and poof went the energy saving lamp as well.

I then plugged in a socket I had with a current meter, only to see the meter shoot straight to 300 volts as if it had only began measuring the power of the incoming current. Judging by the extreme brightness of the bathroom bulb, it must have been in the range of 350 to 400 volts. We heard a series of explosions that night, I am assuming I am not the only one whose equipment took a hit.

My APC current peak protection socket is fused, and so is my laptop adapter. A quick peek inside reveals that fixing the adapter is beyond my means, it calls for spare parts. I'll have to go to Mathura today and see if they can get it fixed. If not, I'll need to purchase a new one.

I don't actually have the money for purchasing a new one, they usually cost somewhere around $100 and all my funds have been eaten by the construction that is nearing completion — a project still calling for some more. Actually, I'd have just enough to buy the adapter, but that'd deplete my pockets altogether. Yet, I need the thing for completing ongoing work that'd yield some more funds. Come what may.

This, coupled with the rest of the factors that have added to my backlog, means you shouldn't be wondering if you won't be hearing from me for some time. Be patient please, thank you. I now have about an hour's worth of battery left, and I'll be spending it sparingly to check for my e-mails and to reply to the most urgent ones alone.

A quick note to let everyone know that most things computer are running late as of the last week or so. These days, so it seems, we are no longer talking about electric outages. We are talking about electric availability. Frequent, unscheduled and extended outages have turned into a routine event, lasting up to 24 hours on occasion. Don't ask me, it doesn't make sense – the cold season is over and we should be past the peak usage season.

Bundled with this, internet connectivity has been erratic. Network has been on and off, and even when it's been on things haven't been moving. The connection used to be pretty good, but now I have to often reconnect four or five times before I manage to get a single web page loaded, and even downloading my e-mails has turned into an arduous task. The average downstream seems to have fallen to around 1.2 KB/s from the 10 KB/s it used to be, meaning that to load the front page of Vilasa Kunja, for example, it'd take around two minutes — provided the connection won't be interrupted.

Please be patient, I'll be getting back to everything as soon as Thakur sees it fit to bring my forced computer vacation to an end. I won't be sending individual mails to everyone who may be effected as I'm unsure if I can take another "Unable to connect to SMTP server" alert, please be reading this blog of ours to stay up to date on issues like this. Not that it's been a holiday as such, we've had a lot of pilgrims coming in who've wanted to see around, beautiful and sincere Vaisnavas. Let's see if I succeed in sending out the weekly digest now.

Today, visiting Vrindavana with Gaurangadas, I met with Advaitadas and, amidst a discussion on some of his old translations, touched on the theme of Gaura-purnima's eclipse, also featured in a recent blog entry at his Madan Gopal journal. The following are some notes and reflections on the themes brought up in his contribution and in the comments that ensued.

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The period of contamination (sutaka) starts 9 hours before the start of the eclipse for lunar and 12 hours before solar eclipses, ending when the eclipse is over. This lunar eclipse itself started at 3 AM and ended at 6:42 AM, making the total period of contamination a bit under 13 hours. If someone has Pandit Nandalal Baba's Bhakta-kanthahara at hand, Panditji has the appropriate references for the periods of contamination from the Puranas noted down with some other notes of interest. To the best of my understanding, these are common Vaisnava standards not particular to Gaudiyas.

Prasada is no doubt a cinmaya-vastu, a substance transformed into spirit. Regardless, the author of Hari-bhakti-vilasa has chosen to include verses from the Puranas noting that for example, were one to eat before bathing, it would be considered the equivalent of eating stool, and were one to drink with his left hand, it would be considered the equivalent of drinking alcohol. How do we reconcile this with the divine nature of prasada? Reading descriptions on how taking a morcel of the Lord's prasada leads to prema's awakening, we may suspect there is something falling short of the real thing in our prasada experience.

The consideration of our offences as a contributor to the lack of experience is no doubt there. Are there, however, also different qualities of prasada? No doubt, the consciousness of the one who donates the ingredients or the money for purchasing the ingredients, the consciousness of the cook, the consciousness of the one who offers and the consciousness of the one who partakes of the remnants all contribute to the total spiritual potency of the prasada, and the first three in particular to the degree to which the Lord enjoys or disregards the offering.

A meek Vaisnava may therefore consider, even if the offering was worthy in truth, that he is devoid of bhakti and therefore be in doubt over whether the Lord has partaken of it at all. Thinking of the offering as tainted by his own faults and lack of devotion, he may feel inclined to be on the safe side and observe the general injunctions prescribed for purity in eating and so forth. This emotion may also lead the Vaisnava to think that he has truly never surrendered to Lokanatha, the Lord of the worlds, and as such is not privy to all the wonderful merits that would result in full surrender (saranagati) to him. He may even feel unworthy for being considered a Vaisnava at all.

All of this may lead one to observe the common Puranic injunctions concerning eclipses, eating and so forth, regardless of our being well aware of the mahima of the Lord's remnants and the supremacy of aikantiki-bhakti. Another consideration with regards to eating during an eclipse or the preceding period of contamination is in remembering that both Candra and Surya are instrumental in the growth of the grains and vegetables we use in preparing food-offerings for the Lord. As a matter of gratitude for and courtesy towards them, two servants of the Lord, we do not partake of their gifts at the time of their distress.

As a heads up to all readers, there will be a partial solar eclipse on Somavati Amavasya (another auspicious day) in about three weeks from now, on March 19th, Monday. The full calendar entry reads as follows: Somavati Amavasya. Partial solar eclipse: Touch at Mathura at 6:29 AM, eclipse ends at 8:00 AM. Bhagavat-seva to be completed before 6:29 PM on the previous day (Sunday 18th), the period of impurity commences. Sunrise 6:29 AM. Then, one may take one's morning bath only after 8 AM, after which deity worship, mantra-smarana and so forth take place. In the meantime, there's plenty of time for chanting the names.

It is unlikely I'll be doing nisi-jagrana at this time over the entire sutaka, being awake for the duration of the eclipse and a bit before should be plenty. Conquering sleep must be one of the hardest tasks to accomplish, observing nirjala fasts pales in comparison as far as I am concerned, if it is to feature any kind of clear-headedness for the duration of the jagrana — which is vital for accomplishing some sort of bhajana and smarana in particular.

Tomorrow is Gaura Purnima, and incidentally also a full lunar eclipse just as it was with Mahaprabhu's appearance, the Moon hiding in shame at the sight of the Moon of Nadia. Krishnadas Kaviraja writes in eulogy of Phalguni Purnima (CC 1.13.19):





And the narrative begins:





While the eclipse on this particular day is a rare occurrence and blessed in its timing, the attack of Rahu is also considered inauspicious, and as such there are a number of observances Vaisnavas undertake during eclipses, whether lunar or solar. Then, a few related words on all that for those eager to observe the day properly. Those interested in seeing the exact times for their locale can look at the Lunar Eclipse Computer provided by U.S. Naval Observatory.

The Panjika entry reads: Full lunar eclipse: Touch at 3:00 AM, ends in Mathura at 6:42 AM and in Kolkata at 6:02 AM. Bhagavat-seva to be completed before 6:00 PM, the period of impurity commences. In lunar eclipses, the sUtaka or the period of impurity extends to nine hours prior to sparza, Rahu's touch on the moon, ending at the moment the shadow leaves the circle of the moon (mokSa).

During the time of the period of impurity, eating and drinking are on hold, and no activity related to arcana or other tasks calling for ritual purity is to take place, including the taking of bath. Sleeping is not recommended either, which gives us an excellent reason for observing nizi-jAgarana on Gaura-purnima's night. I have a Govardhana-parikrama scheduled. Chanting the names is the recommended activity. Any prepared foodstuffs that are left are to be discarded after the eclipse, and unprepared foodstuffs should be packed away for the duration of the eclipse. Cleaning the house should be done after the eclipse.

In this particular case, Thakur-seva including Mahaprabhu's abhiseka should be completed before 6:00 PM, and Thakur put to rest, to be woken up again after 6:42 AM the next morning. As the eclipse concludes, the pujari should take a bath and then do the regular morning arcana followed by offering foodstuffs for breaking the fast. As the two of us are observing nirjala-vrata, we'll need our drink in the morning – which I may have described in an earlier entry, consisting of water, misri, salt, pepper, lemon and fennel – and as we have to soak the misri overnight to dissolve it, we'll place it into a closed container of water with a tulasi leaf atop to shield it from the influence of the eclipse.

At Radha-kunda, the traditional janma-lila-kirtana of Mahaprabhu will begin first at the Tamal Tala temple at 3:00 PM, followed by Nitai-Gaura Mandir (Boro Mahaprabhu Mandir) at around 4:00 PM, where Mahaprabhu's abhiseka will also take place, I presume around 5:00 PM. Last year's observance was accompanied by a heavy thunderstorm. Let's see how the weather turns out to be this year – if the last two nights are anything to go by, we may have an encore of last year coming up tomorrow.

I also have a whole bunch of news on our pilgrims. Pursottam and his father from U.K. have been here a bit over a week, covering each and every nook and corner of Vrindavan, and have also come to Radha-kunda and Govardhana for parikrama. Today we visited Varsana and Kamyavana, grabbing along Gary who arrived yesterday, a full day's worth of Vraja-dhama. All of that will have to wait for a better moment however, the midnight has broken and it's time to take rest to be fresh tomorrow.

Things I have done and said over the years have undoubtedly effected many, for better or worse. Some may have been wondering about my recent notes on being geared towards a life of nirjana-bhajana.

The following is a letter I wrote two weeks back to a dear friend in response to something he wrote me. I thought of sharing it with everyone with hopes that it'd help others better understand who I am and where I'm coming from, and with that look at me with a sense of understanding, offering me the benefit of doubt if nothing else in meeting what may seem like my darker sides, which are many without a doubt. The following makes up a substantial aspect of my present direction, even if there are a good number of other factors weighing in.

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Thank you so much for your honest, candid and insightful letter. You are right on the mark with what you've written. Even if we're looking at issues I have been aware of to an extent, hearing it put in someone else's words is always of benefit and contributes to attaining clarity in introspection. Of course I am taking your notes as intended – your meaning is good and your heart is untainted with ill feeling, and it's all very tactfully presented as well.

In a way, my heart has died to the world. Not as a result of my devotional sadhana, nor as something I would be proud of. Studying myself, I reason it is the bad fruit of jnana and vairagya haunting me from a past life, for this trait has been there since from as far into my childhood as I can remember. Where others have cried and lamented over tragedy and death, I have felt indifference. Such is my fate. I am burdened with a great deal of emotional indifference and cold intelligence.

While this nature of mine is an asset in terms of being able to withdraw and to immerse in sadhana, it goes without saying that it is a great strain as far as dealing with people is concerned. While many would intuitively hit the right key with their emphatic capacity in a difficult situation, I am left with input data to be examined, reasoning for a choice for an appropriate response. Needless to say, with very limited experience, as in the pool of data to be used as a base, the odds for its going right are on the slimmer side. Yes, and then emotions rarely bundle with logical projections. That too.

Picking the word "experience" from the previous paragraph. As you aptly put it, "You seem to lack that subtle understanding of interpersonal politicking, that delicate bob and weave we do on a daily basis." The thing is, I have never been bobbing and weaving any of that. I am a hermit by nature. My connection with the world "out there" effectively ended at the tender age of 15 when I picked up a mala and opted for a life of a brahmacari. Even after meeting Malati in the end, I never found myself in social situations intimate enough to be able to gain substantial insight into all of this. Then, in essence, it's not my world. It's a world I find confusing in all of its intricate complexities, and it's a world I've opted out of since very early in my life.

The parable of the scorpion and the beaver is a good pick for the situation, even if drawing a parallel with a scorpion's nature isn't flattering – I understand it wasn't implied in your pick of parable. Changing the base traits of one's nature is a challenge indeed. The tiger and its stripes, they say. It is only recently that all of this has become more vivid in my horizon, slapped me on the face if you will.

Now, of course all things of present are the fruit of past cultivation, and our future is ours to be molded. I can hardly fathom the kind of cultivation one would need to repair a problem of this caliber. Particularly in my current situation in life, a situation where I am naturally more and more geared towards solitude and silent immersion, such a task is a virtual impossibility. I suppose it is a personal asset I will have to learn to live without, and adjust to the same by staying aloof from situations where it might lead to others being hurt. This is one of the factors at the heart of my earlier notes on being geared towards nirjana.

Please don't take what I write as a confession of having no emotions. I am, after all, following a path that has to do with the cultivation of a body of divine emotions. A path of which a central feature is the derivative awakening and assimilation of perfected emotions, drawing inspiration from the vast base of emotional expression found in the heritage of the mahajanas, the heart-rending poems of Thakur Mahasaya being nothing short of a perfect illustration. This is, however, a hidden world, and a concealed one as well.

Without a doubt, it is not something that'd be particularly helpful in contributing to a more intimate understanding of the world of troubles, as radically diverging as the driving forces and the core dynamics of the two are. The outer expressions of the inner world of devotion, the flow of emotions such as compassion and concern over the tender, new bhajana of budding sadhakas, are evidently something that have a potential for causing a great deal of schism as the two worlds interface. When a powerful spiritual impetus interacts with the delicate emotional webs of the world, joint with the unforeseeable sum-total of vasanas seated deep in peoples' hearts, even a man of great human insight may find himself baffled.

That the bulk of my interactions with devotees have taken place in written form certainly has offered little in the way of a positive contribution in any of this. If anything, the limits of the medium have escalated some things beyond reason. Molehills have grown into mountains, misunderstandings have been nourished by misunderstandings, all of it developing into a horrid web of expressed and latent ill feelings that were never meant to be. I wish many things I have knowingly or unknowingly done and caused could be undone, yet I fear they cannot.

Then, as life cannot roll backwards but inevitably moves on, I ought to be wrapping this letter towards a practical conclusion. As I noted in an earlier letter, I intend to be winding up my community participation, withdrawing into solitary bhajana. The exact meaning of all of that is something I cannot define at this point, and I assume it is something you and some others may also want to put in a word on to ensure that things of substantial value are not lost in the transition. Whatever the specifics, I believe it is a call that is in the best interest of all.

What more to say? I do not know. Please know that your kind comments were and will be much appreciated and valued. Looking forward hearing from you again.